America hit its debt limit Thursday<\/a>, and Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen told Congress the government has begun taking \u201cextraordinary measures\u201d<\/a> to pay the bills and keep things running until stubbornly irresponsible lawmakers can agree on raising the debt ceiling.<\/p>\n In a letter to Congress, Yellen wrote<\/a>: \u201cI respectfully urge Congress to act promptly to protect the full faith and credit of the United States.\u201d<\/p>\n But in another letter that I\u00a0assume exists somewhere<\/em>, Yellen provides a more frank explanation of these extraordinary measures. Here’s what I imagine that letter looks like.\u00a0<\/p>\n Dear dummies:<\/p>\n It\u2019s Janet over at Treasury. Since many of you don\u2019t seem to know the difference between spending money and money you already spent<\/a>, we\u2019re going to have to do some belt-tightening around here until you all get your heads out of your keisters and raise the debt limit.<\/p>\n\n I know nobody\u2019s going to like this, but you self-aggrandizing dipsticks have no one to blame but yourselves. Before I get to the \u201cextraordinary measures\u201d we\u2019ll have to take to keep the bills paid and the lights on, let me say one thing, for the 12 millionth time: The debt ceiling<\/a> is the thing that lets us pay off MONEY WE HAVE ALREADY SPENT ON THINGS YOU ALL ALREADY APPROVED. It has nothing to do with spending more money<\/a> on more things.<\/p>\n I\u2019m sure the second a TV camera clicks on you\u2019ll forget all that again, but whatever. Can\u2019t say I didn\u2019t tell you.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s a partial list of the steps we\u2019ll need to take moving forward. Send any complaints you have to: JanetHasHadItWithYourNonsense@CramIt.com.<\/p>\n \u25baMandatory GOP Bake Sale. Since this is your doing, Republicans, you all have to chip in the most. Tell Sen. Ted Cruz he can bake a cake on the hot muzzle of an AR-15<\/a> if he wants. I don\u2019t care how you do it, just get it done. (I heard Rep. George Santos<\/a> trained under some of the greatest European pastry chefs while he was studying at Oxford. LULZ!)<\/p>\n\n \u25baSean Hannity Butt-Kissing Booth. Given the current House majority, this will likely be the biggest revenue producer.<\/p>\n \u25baBipartisan Classified Documents Viewing Party. Since classified documents are all the rage<\/a>, this $1-million-per-person event should bring in enough to buy us a couple extra weeks of military salaries.<\/p>\n \u25baSwitch Major Biden from Ultimate Pet Nutrition Nutra Complete to generic kibble. You’re a good boy, but \u25baSell President Joe Biden\u2019s Corvette<\/a>. Sorry, buddy, everyone\u2019s going to feel some pain. (Please check the trunk for classified documents before the sale.)<\/p>\n \u25baObtain Hunter Biden\u2019s current laptop and place it on eBay. That will likely cover Social Security costs for the next 10 years.<\/p>\n \u25baRep. Lauren Boebert\/Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene Dunk Tank. At $5 a throw, I predict this will add $17 million to government coffers.<\/p>\n \u25baFox News Lie Jar. Every time a Republican lawmaker tells a lie on Fox News, such as claiming the debt ceiling has something to do with new spending, they have to put 10% of the dark money their reelection campaign has received into the jar. (The jar will be too large to fit inside the U.S. Capitol building. Consider chaining it to the Washington Monument.)<\/p>\n \u25baA Moratorium on Attempted Coups. Those things cost a fortune.<\/p>\n \u25baSublet California to Mexico. Make sure security deposit leaves them responsible for “all\u00a0weather-related damage.”<\/p>\n \u25baOpen the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to oil and gas development. Sorry, polar bears, everyone\u2019s going to feel some pain.<\/p>\n \u25baTake all of Elon Musk\u2019s money before he wastes the rest of it. Sorry, pal,\u00a0everyone\u2019s going to \u2026 you know what? Not sorry at all. You might\u00a0as well be setting your billions on fire right now. We\u2019ll put it to better use.<\/p>\n There\u2019s more, but those are the most extraordinary of the steps. Of course if you all can get your acts together, we can still avoid the whole mess. HAH! Like that\u2019s gonna happen!<\/p>\n\n I feel the\u00a0worst for Major Biden, if I\u2019m being honest. He\u2019s a good boy who didn\u2019t do anything wrong.<\/p>\n You all stink.<\/p>\n Best,<\/p>\n \u2013 Janet<\/p>\n Follow\u00a0USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke\u00a0on\u00a0Twitter\u00a0@RexHuppke<\/a>\u00a0and Facebook\u00a0\u00a0facebook.com\/RexIsAJerk<\/a>,\u00a0or contact him at rhuppke@usatoday.com<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n More from Rex Huppke:<\/strong><\/p>\n House GOP heard the American voters.\u00a0They definitely want Hunter Biden investigations!<\/a><\/p>\n Noted political loser Donald Trump announces plan to lose presidential race again<\/a>.<\/p>\nA (possibly made up) letter from Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen to Congress<\/h2>\n
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